…I must confess that I feel liberated. When I think about the Callie I was two years ago, I am so grateful for how far I’ve come. Aside from my amazing friends and awesome family helping me find self-compassion, there are other pivotal reasons I am in a healthier mental space: 1. I have a very fulfilling job 2. I started therapy 2. I MOVED OUT!
Over the last year and half, I was looking to buy a house or a condo so I could move out of my mom’s house. I wanted to buy because I worked so hard to save my money and I didn’t want to waste it on rent (and if I did, I could have done that years ago). But because of the insane housing market + my modest budget, I was on this rollercoaster ride of looking at a place, falling in love with it, making an offer, and then being rejected because someone else offered $15,000 over asking. It was mentally exhausting. This summer I became so desperate to be in my own space that I went against all my beliefs and found myself a cutie little apartment in a cutie little area. Shoutout to my therapist who said, “Spending money on rent is not a waste. It’s investing in your mental health.” I don’t know if I would have ever considered an apartment without her.
Moving into my own place has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. I was not in the right headspace living at home with nowhere to go except for my room. While I was so grateful to still be welcome under my mom’s roof, it was time. I needed to come home and talk to no one. I needed to listen to my podcasts without headphones in. I needed to cook without feeling like I was being too loud or in the way. I needed to have friends over. I needed more space for my stuff and more importantly, my brain. I needed to not be trapped. (Not that I was trapped! I love my mom! But it just felt that way.)
I am OBSESSED with living alone- which really should be a shock to no one since I love doing everything alone. From shopping to traveling to hiking, I just love being the only person I need to worry about. I love doing things on my own time and in my own way. So that’s what’s really fun about having my own space- I can do whatever I want. I am excited to decorate and to host kickbacks with friends and to do puzzles on my coffee table- all the things I’ve never really been able to do.
Enough about moving out and more about starting therapy! I started going in the spring when I was really not well. Turns out that therapist just made it worse because after two sessions of talking about my dad, she couldn’t remember if I lived at home “with my parents” or not. Yes… parents… plural. Nothing like finally admitting I need help just to have someone not listen to anything I said. I was super discouraged after that but when I was really about to lose it towards the end of the summer, I decided to try again. And I am so glad I did because I love my new therapist. We had a quick 15-minute intro call before my first appointment and as soon as she dropped the fuck word, I knew I found my person. I’ve only had three sessions so far but they have been so helpful and I am eager to continue working on myself. I may have solved a huge problem by moving out but I’ve got plenty more. Including but not limited to: Having a dead dad, using sarcasm as a crutch for who knows what, refusing help or compliments, and being single while everyone around me gets engaged!!!!!
Also- I still love my job! (Even though someone slipped me a note this week that said “We don’t like you.” I think it was a joke…. I hope it was a joke….) Either way- best job I’ve ever had. Being creative and social and challenged and supported and helpful and appreciated is not something I have ever experienced all at once and it is truly wonderful. Don’t settle for a job that doesn’t feel right! I have a friend who feels yucky about “job hopping” right now and the way I know exactly how she’s feeling… I reassured her that the right job for her is out there and she’s allowed to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the one. It’s not 1970 anymore when people stayed at the same job for 40 years even though they were miserable. Life is too short to be miserable!
When I think about how these “Coffee Shop Confessions” started, I think about the real reason I was hitting those cafes: to escape. The change in environment allowed me to reflect and to breathe and to get my thoughts out. I was just searching for a space to do all the things I felt like I couldn’t do within the confines of my room. Now, having my own place, that constant desire for a change of scenery is gone. That constant feeling of being trapped, for lack of a better word, has subsided. I feel lucky and relieved and free. I just feel happy to be here and to be on this planet and to be living this life.
P.S. If you made it this far, I appreciate you. Writing is genuinely one of my favorite pastimes so thank you for indulging in my thoughts about my mediocre life.
Sarcastically Callie 