With my impending 30th birthday, I am feeling quite… sad. I attempted to manage this feeling by sharing photos that highlight each month of 29. The goal was to share the moments over the past year that brought me the most joy so I could feel fulfilled when I reflect on them. But as fond as my memories are, I still feel pretty empty.
I think about how I hosted beer olympics this summer and it was EPIC. My friends and I had so much fun and I truly love hosting. But as soon as everyone started packing up (after eight hours of having a blast), I immediately had a breakdown. Instant tears. All I was thinking was “Wow everyone gets to go home to their partners and talk about how much fun they had today. And I have to go back into my quiet apartment with no one to talk to. No one to laugh with. No one to gossip with.” It was such a high high and then such a low low.
Being surrounded by my friends who are with the loves of their lives is not always easy. Shit, I had FOUR weddings this year. Four major reminders that I am alone. Four major reminders that I did not have a plus one to bring even if I was given the opportunity. Four major reminders that I am the oldest of my friends but the most behind when it comes to building a life. It doesn’t help that a new group of friends is way younger. They’re all engaged or married and young and successful. Every time I’m with them, I cannot help but wonder if they think I am a total loser: The single 30 year old who posts on Instagram for a living. These intrusive thoughts are really crazy to me because I have never cared what people think. Also I would never think these things about someone else who is single at 30 so I am not sure why I think these things about myself. I don’t love how insecure 30 is making me…
While I sit here and wallow in self-pity, let me be clear: I am making ZERO effort to find a partner. Yes, I understand the contradiction. But the thought of dating terrifies me. I am not even sure how to date or why someone would date me. Part of me also feels like I have missed my chance. My friends met their partners during college or through friends or at work. I keep thinking it will be that easy for me but obviously not. What’s the saying? Nothing worth having comes easy? Blah blah blah.
I also cannot reflect on turning 30 without mentioning my dad. It’s so hard to reach these milestones without him. Each milestone is a reminder that he’s not here to celebrate. Each wedding is a reminder I’ll never have a father daughter dance. It’s really fucking hard doing life without him.
For my 30th, I am doing something my dad would have loved: Renting a cabin with all of my friends for the weekend. As excited as I am, I am worried that I am going to have the beer olympics feeling. I am worried I am not going to be able to enjoy myself because in the back of my mind, I’ll be thinking about how it’s all temporary and how after the weekend, I have to come home alone to my quiet apartment. I know being single and turning 30 should have nothing to do with each other, but I cannot help but feel like I am behind. I am fully aware it is all in my head and that I am not the first woman to be 30 and single and that it doesn’t make me any less.
As 30 approaches, I vow to do my best to embrace being alone and focus on myself. I have been trying new things like pilates, acupuncture, reiki, and eating mindfully. I am trying to focus on being proud of where I am. I am proud of my job. I am proud of my independence. I am proud of my apartment. I am proud of who I am to my friends, to my family, and to my coworkers. And I know my dad would be proud so that brings me some comfort.
I also want to say I love my friends (even the young ones!!) and I love my family and I truly do love my life. I am so lucky to be here on this planet and to live this life and I promise to make the most of every moment, with or without a partner.
BRB gotta go make an appointment with my therapist ASAP!!!!
Sarcastically Callie 