As I sit in this coffee shop… (III)

…I must confess I’m feeling a sense of déjà vu. I recognize these feelings from freshman year of college when I was at Temple and all I wanted was to go back to Connecticut. Are you thinking how different this is from my last Coffee Shop Confessions? Yeah, well how do you think I feel? One specific line (“I feel like this is how I expected my life to be at 26 and Connecticut just wasn’t cutting it. I have always felt this pull back to Jersey and I could not be happier with my decision to come back.”) actually makes me nauseous because just a few weeks later this it is not at all how I feel now. It’s like buyer’s remorse, which is defined as “a feeling of regret experienced after making a purchase, typically one regarded as unnecessary.” I may not have purchased anything but I up and left my entire life and now it feels unnecessary to have done something so extravagant. The honeymoon phase of being here is officially over and I would like a divorce.

I am so mad at myself for not acknowledging more deeply that it was, in fact, a honeymoon phase. I did not allow myself to appreciate the things and people Connecticut gave me. I was too caught up in the new, exciting experiences. How quickly I went from euphoria to regret. It was all fun and games… until it wasn’t. I am now questioning why I moved back. Just because I always said I would or did I genuinely feel like it’s where I belong? I had a perfectly good life in Connecticut that I disrupted. And for what? To go broke and gain ten pounds? For whatever reason, I always felt like I would end up back in Jersey and now I’m realizing that just because the tomatoes are better, doesn’t mean the grass is greener.

The irony is that I already went through this in college when I thought I wanted to “come home” but didn’t even last a full school year down here. I cannot believe these feelings are happening all over again and I am so annoyed that I didn’t acknowledge that these feelings could recur. Being in Connecticut last weekend gave me the mental reset and refresh I used to get from a short getaway to Jersey. I assume those feelings are what made me think I wanted to move back. I used to dread the end of a weekend in Jersey but I felt that dread leaving Connecticut (and my mom) last Sunday. Being back in Connecticut felt so right and I think it’s time to admit that Connecticut is my home.

I have been very overwhelmed by my feelings and emotions. Thinking Connecticut wasn’t enough for me is overwhelming. Thinking that Jersey was going to fill whatever void I am trying to fill is overwhelming. Thinking that I should have more of my life figured out by now is overwhelming. Thinking that I am a failure is overwhelming. Thinking I could forever be searching for something that doesn’t exist is overwhelming. I am consumed with guilt, confusion, humiliation, and angst just to name a few.

I saw this quote yesterday from R.M. Drake that brings a little comfort:

Deep breaths are helping. I’m trying to tell myself that if I never tried, I would’ve never known that it wasn’t for me. I’m trying to tell myself that no one really knows what the right answer is or what the right thing to do is. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay to mess up, to be unsure, to make mistakes, and to be wrong.

I am grateful for my time in Jersey where lots of fun was had and tons of memories were made. New friendships were formed and more importantly, old friendships were resurrected. My feelings now are not at all from lack of inclusion or from social boredom. I simply just don’t feel like I belong here. I am hopeful my friends and I stay close and that they’ll come visit me back home, in Connecticut.